How I met my Girl? / Rules of Arranged Marriage

One Fine morning, when I was in the office my dad called me.

My dad: Magesh!!!

I: Hmm… Sollunga (Tell me)

My Dad: Today Evening, I am sending a girl’s photo by e-mail. You see it.

I: OK

My Dad: Tomorrow, I have booked a rental car for going to Madurai. We are all going to

see the girl at “Tipruparangundram Temple”.

I: Why so urgent? I have not seen the photo at all? Let me see the photo first.

My dad: No, I have told them….. If the girl is ok, then we will informally fix the girl

(Poo Vaichiruvom)

I: Is not that I have to see the girl before confirming anything?

My Dad: Do you have to / want to see the girl?

I was quite surprised by his answer. What he is talking… In a strong tone, I Said “Yes”, I should see the girl before confirming. You go and see the girl. If she is ok for you, then I’ll come there. Have some more proposals on reserve. So, I could plan a trip.

My dad should have taken back on my “Yes”. Immediately in a Sentimental tone he said, I know your taste; I’ll do it if it’s good for you only. Tomorrow, we will see the girl. If it’s not good, then we will say “No”. But he implied vice versa.

There was a big silence. Then I said to him, first let the photo come. After seeing the photo, I will call him in the night.

I received the photo by e-mail. There were two photos. If they have come separately, then it is easy to construe that both are of different girls. Since, my dad talked about only one girl, I presumed that they should be the photos of the same girl. Photos were like that. I could not decide/say anything from the photo.

Then, I called my dad in the night. I told him the same. By that time, he had done full fledge arrangement for the visit to Madurai. He had invited two of my sisters, my aunt. I was surprised. I asked him, “Why these many persons to see a girl?” He told that they are going to the temple and will call me the next day from the temple.

Next day, I received the call from my dad.

Dad: We have seen the girl. It’s ok for all of us. What do you say?

I: What do you want me to say?

Dad: We are going to girl’s home for Poo Vaika (Informal Engagement).

I: So, you have decided, she is going to be my wife.

Dad: You will like her.

Of course, I like her. She is Ms. Vidhya, BDS from Sivakasi. I am getting engaged with her on March’10th and my wedding ceremony tentatively will fall on 1 st of June , most probably in Madurai.


Now, let us go to the second part of the Postl- Rules of Arranged Marriage

It’s about my experience with arranged marriage. If your choice is love marriage, then you can skip this and go to the last line.

Generally, if you look at the above conversation you may find the decision has been taken superficially without understanding the girl fully. You may think that I have not been given sufficient time to understand the girl. But I feel that is not the case. In arranged marriage simply it can't happen.

In any marriage, compatibilities between family and individual are looked upon. Generally parents are more inclined towards family compatibility and the prospects like you and me are more inclined towards the individual compatibility. As our parents love us the most, they will definitely consider our criteria ie. individual compatibility

Generally for a Tamil Guy, the following are the criteria looked upon to study the compatibility.

1) Religion, Caste and Sub-caste
2) Economic Status.
3) Horoscope
4) Qualification
5) Physical appearance
6) Frequency.

The list is not exhaustive. It may vary in everyone’s case. But all of the above are more common in the society.

The parents have the strong say in first three criteria and those are explicit in nature. You and I have a say on the last three items but these are not explicit in nature. For example, physical appearance and frequency … They are the abstract items.

As there is not much to explain in the explicit items, let us look at the abstract items.

When it comes to Physical Appearance, we can say slim, fair complexion… But we can’t clearly communicate what exactly we want. Even we don't know what we want. Once I liked my girl next door. Then, I liked some one, then some one…. they may be infactuations. The list is always changing.

Then, coming to the frequency… I have put it last in the list, because it is the last in the process. It’s one of the toughest parts in deciding on a prospect. We may have very little time to decide on this. When we come to this stage, already opinions, expectations have been formed on both sides. We may not know anything about the prospect’s behavior and attitude. We may be given 10 mins time to talk. one of my friend, Adi got 45 mins to talk with the girl... Even in Adi’s case he should have decided in the first few mins. You can’t continue talking with her for 45 mins and then you can’t say “No”.

In that few mins, we have to decide whether she is Ok for us or not. Is it not tough buddy? My sincere advice is relying on your gut feeling. Listen to the gut. It tells you. But once again it is doubtful will you be able to explain your reliance on the gut to others.

I'll narate some incidents for better understanding of gut... how this gut works.

Before leaving for Saudi Arabia, the last day at the airport I met a girl. My dad was very eager to finalise someone before leaving india. The horoscope came at the last moment and interestingly the it was matching. So my dad contacted the girl's family and expressed his desire to meet them. But the girl's parents told us that the girl is very sensitive, so they are not inclined to have the "Ponnu Parkira" matter at home. They told that they would come to the airport without revealing the purpose to her . At airport, I could have a look at the girl, if ok then we could proceed for further blah... blah. Already I had seen the photo. In Photo, the girl was Ok. Not something great but I could not reject also. I went to the Airport with open mind. We (I and my parents) took the chairs opposite to the girl and her family. The girl appeared very sad. Completely She was looking down. Definitely she should have guessed the reason for bringing her to airport or be informed about this "ponnu pakiria " matter. Might be some prospects should have hurt her a lot. She never looked at me. I felt very sorry . Its quite uncomfortable situation. I could not make my mind to say "Yes". You could imagine how much pressure I was going through to say "No". The decision is just by intutions. The intutions were drawn from the way she presented herself on that day. May be the conclusions I drawn abt her wrong also, but my sixth sense told me not to proceed further.

Now come back to Vidhya's case. Here also the same case. Photo was Ok. Still Can't say "Yes" just like that on seeing the photo. But my parents like her the most when they saw her in the morning and almost confirmed their desire to Vidhya's family. Once said is said. Now it'll be difficult to get back. I was very tense whether I would like Vidhya or Not. When I went to chat with her in the night, I was not in a mood at all. She came online. I sent my webcam. She sent her. On the first sight itself, she gave a smile. I said u have smiling face. She smiled little more. That's all I was almost bowled there. I felt very comfortable. Then I asked "You are the only one daughter to your Parents.How do they allow you to go to Saudi Arabia." This is my first question to her. She replied, " Ask my dad this question". It's like a slab on my face. I could guess the comfort level she had on the otherside. That's all the 10 mins plan for chat went more than an hour. I completely surrendered myself to her. Once again its about intutions, gut feeling.

Everyone of us have fear that arranged marriage means compromising something on our dream figure. Actually speaking, there is nothing called compromise. It’s just a game. If we understand the rules of the game clearly, then we’ll throw the word “Compromise” out of the window.

Let us approach the subject little more practical.

• First, the factors which are not explicit in nature may easily get compromised. Once again its not compromise. It's one of the rule of the game.
• Second, we are shedding our responsibility to our parents. Please understand they are doing their best within their domain. If I have been able to get a girl of my taste and frequency, then why the hell, I am in the table of arranged marriage and expect my father to find someone great. I’m not suspecting anyone’s capability to fall in love. Also, I am not saying as we are in the table of arranged marriage we are losing the game. What I’m saying is just open your mind and understand the game.

Third Part of the Post : My Mistake

Initially I didn’t understand the rule of the game. Always, I had fight with my father. I asked him to compromise on caste and horoscope on the fear of narrowing down the circle of prospects by horoscope and caste may reduce the probability of best girl for me. I don’t know whether it is right or wrong. But i pressed him to give up horoscope and caste factors.

Just look at the above paragraph. I'm just negotiating with the abstract factors for compromsing the explicit factors. So Apply rule No 1.

But my dad tried his best to bring all my concerns within his circle. I never tried to to draw my circle clear and take him inside. Without doing that, I was simply shouting by standing out of his circle. Still he never said anything to me. I didn’t take any responsibility, but commented a lot on his efforts. Authority without Responsibility is not good. Never do that. Either play the game or be the audience. Dont stand on the middle of the pitch and say obstruct the game.

Hard Learning....