How I met my Girl? / Rules of Arranged Marriage

One Fine morning, when I was in the office my dad called me.

My dad: Magesh!!!

I: Hmm… Sollunga (Tell me)

My Dad: Today Evening, I am sending a girl’s photo by e-mail. You see it.

I: OK

My Dad: Tomorrow, I have booked a rental car for going to Madurai. We are all going to

see the girl at “Tipruparangundram Temple”.

I: Why so urgent? I have not seen the photo at all? Let me see the photo first.

My dad: No, I have told them….. If the girl is ok, then we will informally fix the girl

(Poo Vaichiruvom)

I: Is not that I have to see the girl before confirming anything?

My Dad: Do you have to / want to see the girl?

I was quite surprised by his answer. What he is talking… In a strong tone, I Said “Yes”, I should see the girl before confirming. You go and see the girl. If she is ok for you, then I’ll come there. Have some more proposals on reserve. So, I could plan a trip.

My dad should have taken back on my “Yes”. Immediately in a Sentimental tone he said, I know your taste; I’ll do it if it’s good for you only. Tomorrow, we will see the girl. If it’s not good, then we will say “No”. But he implied vice versa.

There was a big silence. Then I said to him, first let the photo come. After seeing the photo, I will call him in the night.

I received the photo by e-mail. There were two photos. If they have come separately, then it is easy to construe that both are of different girls. Since, my dad talked about only one girl, I presumed that they should be the photos of the same girl. Photos were like that. I could not decide/say anything from the photo.

Then, I called my dad in the night. I told him the same. By that time, he had done full fledge arrangement for the visit to Madurai. He had invited two of my sisters, my aunt. I was surprised. I asked him, “Why these many persons to see a girl?” He told that they are going to the temple and will call me the next day from the temple.

Next day, I received the call from my dad.

Dad: We have seen the girl. It’s ok for all of us. What do you say?

I: What do you want me to say?

Dad: We are going to girl’s home for Poo Vaika (Informal Engagement).

I: So, you have decided, she is going to be my wife.

Dad: You will like her.

Of course, I like her. She is Ms. Vidhya, BDS from Sivakasi. I am getting engaged with her on March’10th and my wedding ceremony tentatively will fall on 1 st of June , most probably in Madurai.


Now, let us go to the second part of the Postl- Rules of Arranged Marriage

It’s about my experience with arranged marriage. If your choice is love marriage, then you can skip this and go to the last line.

Generally, if you look at the above conversation you may find the decision has been taken superficially without understanding the girl fully. You may think that I have not been given sufficient time to understand the girl. But I feel that is not the case. In arranged marriage simply it can't happen.

In any marriage, compatibilities between family and individual are looked upon. Generally parents are more inclined towards family compatibility and the prospects like you and me are more inclined towards the individual compatibility. As our parents love us the most, they will definitely consider our criteria ie. individual compatibility

Generally for a Tamil Guy, the following are the criteria looked upon to study the compatibility.

1) Religion, Caste and Sub-caste
2) Economic Status.
3) Horoscope
4) Qualification
5) Physical appearance
6) Frequency.

The list is not exhaustive. It may vary in everyone’s case. But all of the above are more common in the society.

The parents have the strong say in first three criteria and those are explicit in nature. You and I have a say on the last three items but these are not explicit in nature. For example, physical appearance and frequency … They are the abstract items.

As there is not much to explain in the explicit items, let us look at the abstract items.

When it comes to Physical Appearance, we can say slim, fair complexion… But we can’t clearly communicate what exactly we want. Even we don't know what we want. Once I liked my girl next door. Then, I liked some one, then some one…. they may be infactuations. The list is always changing.

Then, coming to the frequency… I have put it last in the list, because it is the last in the process. It’s one of the toughest parts in deciding on a prospect. We may have very little time to decide on this. When we come to this stage, already opinions, expectations have been formed on both sides. We may not know anything about the prospect’s behavior and attitude. We may be given 10 mins time to talk. one of my friend, Adi got 45 mins to talk with the girl... Even in Adi’s case he should have decided in the first few mins. You can’t continue talking with her for 45 mins and then you can’t say “No”.

In that few mins, we have to decide whether she is Ok for us or not. Is it not tough buddy? My sincere advice is relying on your gut feeling. Listen to the gut. It tells you. But once again it is doubtful will you be able to explain your reliance on the gut to others.

I'll narate some incidents for better understanding of gut... how this gut works.

Before leaving for Saudi Arabia, the last day at the airport I met a girl. My dad was very eager to finalise someone before leaving india. The horoscope came at the last moment and interestingly the it was matching. So my dad contacted the girl's family and expressed his desire to meet them. But the girl's parents told us that the girl is very sensitive, so they are not inclined to have the "Ponnu Parkira" matter at home. They told that they would come to the airport without revealing the purpose to her . At airport, I could have a look at the girl, if ok then we could proceed for further blah... blah. Already I had seen the photo. In Photo, the girl was Ok. Not something great but I could not reject also. I went to the Airport with open mind. We (I and my parents) took the chairs opposite to the girl and her family. The girl appeared very sad. Completely She was looking down. Definitely she should have guessed the reason for bringing her to airport or be informed about this "ponnu pakiria " matter. Might be some prospects should have hurt her a lot. She never looked at me. I felt very sorry . Its quite uncomfortable situation. I could not make my mind to say "Yes". You could imagine how much pressure I was going through to say "No". The decision is just by intutions. The intutions were drawn from the way she presented herself on that day. May be the conclusions I drawn abt her wrong also, but my sixth sense told me not to proceed further.

Now come back to Vidhya's case. Here also the same case. Photo was Ok. Still Can't say "Yes" just like that on seeing the photo. But my parents like her the most when they saw her in the morning and almost confirmed their desire to Vidhya's family. Once said is said. Now it'll be difficult to get back. I was very tense whether I would like Vidhya or Not. When I went to chat with her in the night, I was not in a mood at all. She came online. I sent my webcam. She sent her. On the first sight itself, she gave a smile. I said u have smiling face. She smiled little more. That's all I was almost bowled there. I felt very comfortable. Then I asked "You are the only one daughter to your Parents.How do they allow you to go to Saudi Arabia." This is my first question to her. She replied, " Ask my dad this question". It's like a slab on my face. I could guess the comfort level she had on the otherside. That's all the 10 mins plan for chat went more than an hour. I completely surrendered myself to her. Once again its about intutions, gut feeling.

Everyone of us have fear that arranged marriage means compromising something on our dream figure. Actually speaking, there is nothing called compromise. It’s just a game. If we understand the rules of the game clearly, then we’ll throw the word “Compromise” out of the window.

Let us approach the subject little more practical.

• First, the factors which are not explicit in nature may easily get compromised. Once again its not compromise. It's one of the rule of the game.
• Second, we are shedding our responsibility to our parents. Please understand they are doing their best within their domain. If I have been able to get a girl of my taste and frequency, then why the hell, I am in the table of arranged marriage and expect my father to find someone great. I’m not suspecting anyone’s capability to fall in love. Also, I am not saying as we are in the table of arranged marriage we are losing the game. What I’m saying is just open your mind and understand the game.

Third Part of the Post : My Mistake

Initially I didn’t understand the rule of the game. Always, I had fight with my father. I asked him to compromise on caste and horoscope on the fear of narrowing down the circle of prospects by horoscope and caste may reduce the probability of best girl for me. I don’t know whether it is right or wrong. But i pressed him to give up horoscope and caste factors.

Just look at the above paragraph. I'm just negotiating with the abstract factors for compromsing the explicit factors. So Apply rule No 1.

But my dad tried his best to bring all my concerns within his circle. I never tried to to draw my circle clear and take him inside. Without doing that, I was simply shouting by standing out of his circle. Still he never said anything to me. I didn’t take any responsibility, but commented a lot on his efforts. Authority without Responsibility is not good. Never do that. Either play the game or be the audience. Dont stand on the middle of the pitch and say obstruct the game.

Hard Learning....

How much should I earn?

Yesterday, I met a person, who is my friend’s friend. He is from west Bengal, But with British citizenship, working in Gulf. Suddenly, he asked me,” whether Kodaikanal is good or Ooty is good?” I thought he might have decided to go for a vacation and started comparing both these places as a tourist spot. But he told me that he is looking for some Holiday home in these places? I was taken aback for a moment. He started asking more information on regulations, infrastructure availability, nearest airports, shopping facilities in both the places. I told him that I don’t have any idea/experience on the above subject and I’ll get back to him once I get the information.

A Holiday home!! Hmm... Nice to have it!! A good place to spend retirement life peacefully… Till Now, I have not given thought about that. Today, it has been added to my wish list. My wish list is growing much faster than me. A home in the wish list has been changed to a Holiday home.
Similarly, A cycle changed to a bike, A bike changed to a car, A small car changed to a sedan. The wish list keeps on changing. Changes faster than my earning changes! Always put pressure on my earnings. How much should I earn? Have I taken this life only for earning? Please save me, I am becoming too much materialistic.

Know about Kamuthi- A lovely place of Kamuthian's

Location

Kamuthi is a town in the district of Ramanathapuram , south India. It is situated on the banks of the river “Gundar”. The King of Ramanathapuram is known for his assistance to Swami Vivekananda on his trip to USA to participate in International Religious conference.

Kamuthi is well connected by road and just 80 Km away from the nearest airport, Madurai. The main activity in the town is commerce. Kamuthi is the one of the major market for surrounding villages.

Education in Kamuthi

There are several schools and a Arts college in Kamuthi. Kamuthi schools are ranked one of the best in the District. Kamuthi schools have produced a lot of Engineers and Doctors. Earlier there were only state board curriculum in Kamuthi , but nowadays matriculation curriculum is also swiftly catching up among the people.

Secularism in Kamuthi :

Hinduism, Christian and Isalm are the major religion followed in Kamuthi. Beyond accomodating all the religious people, Kamuthi displays the true secular identity to anyone entering the town. The view of the towers of the Temple, Mosque and Church together is a nice representation of secularism.

Social Mix :

Kamuthi accommodates people of various castes. Some streets are named with the caste names like Nadar Bazzar, Chettiyar Bazaar, Muslim Bazaar etc. Even though kamuthians are separated by the caste, a strong brotherhood runs through them. Caste clashes have become the happenings of the past.

Pasumpon :

Another feather in Kamuthi’s crown is the Pasumpon. It is the birth place of revered leader Thiru.Pasumpon Muthuramalinga Thevar. It’s just a Km away from Kamuthi. The annual guru Puja at his tomb is a mega event in this area. The eminent people from all the spheres of life offer their prayers on that day in person.

Archelogical Interests in Kamuthi

Kamuthi has a lot of archelogical interests. The fort on the river bank is of historical importance and attracts tourist to the town. It is built by the Sethupathis during the 17th century A.D.,

A rare 10th century Jain Tirthankara sculpture, which throws more light on the Pandya kingdom's glorious past in the trade sector and prevalence of religious harmony between Saivism and Jainism during that period, has been found near Kamuthi .

Just 2 km west of Kamuthi on the Aruppukottai main road is situated a temple, where hundreds of villagers offer prayers to the deity, Vazhivitta Ayyanar, tonsuring their heads and sacrificing goats. When the Archaeological Department officers from Madurai visited the temple last year, they found two interesting `Vattezhuthu' inscriptions engraved on a slab, which dated back to 10th century AD.

The inscriptions revealed the existence of a Siva temple, Arikesai Iswaram by name, at Tiruporpunam, since the early Pandya period. The shrine had lost its trace even as the modern Ayyanar temple, which had come up in its place, started gaining popularity; the name and location of the former assumed importance in its historical settings. According to archelogical experts, Maravarman Arikesari, who ruled the Pandya kingdom during 650-700 A.D., was a contemporary of Tirugnanasambandar, the first among the Thevaram trio. It was Sambandar, who converted the king from Jainism to Saivism "at the instance of Queen Mangayarkarasi."

The exploration of the Jain sculpture, which had been made in the proximity of the Siva shrine created in the name of King Arikesari Pandya, was of much interest to historians. "It leads us to the surmise that Jainism had flourished up to the 10th century A.D. even after the revivalist movements by Saiva saints were launched during the 7th century A.D."

To know more about Kamuthi, you can either visit the town or contact me at mageshram4u@yahoo.co.in

Be proud of being an Indian !!

If one wants to understand one’s country better, one should come out of his/her country. It’s from my experience. For example, I knew India is one of the biggest democracies and achieved freedom in 15th August’1947. I have read that in my school. But I didn’t much understand the significance of being a democracy and a free India. Today I understand them by its true sprit.
Freedom- The true empowerment of the people lies in their freedom. Freedom to speak! Freedom to criticize!! We don’t understand that when “freedom” is given to us. We could understand better, when it is denied for us. With the relocation from a democratic society to a Kingdom, now I understand what the meaning of freedom is.

Let us look at some examples. When India voted against Iran on IAEA, the All India Muslim Forum (AIMF) blasted the government on India’s Anti-Iran Vote and describing that act as”Betrayal of Muslims in India” (Courtesy: Arab News, 7 Feb’2006). I don’t understand what Iran has done for Indian Muslims. Let us not get into whether the government’s decision is right or wrong. But look at the fact that they are empowered to question the Government’s decision. We can criticize India, still not be considered as “Anti-Indian.”

There are a lot of Islamic countries who voted against Iran and never questioned by its people. Because, they don’t have democratic system, they lack freedom to question. People could express their opinions. But only cautiously!! They are not empowered to criticize their highest institutions. The highest institutions of the societies without democracy are above questioning. Over a period, people develop the habit of not questioning anything. A kind of conditioning!!
Let us take another example. Recently the investigative journalism brought out the mockery of democracy by catching the parliamentarian red-handed for asking bribes for asking questions in Parliament. It’s real mockery of Democracy. There is no doubt on that. But, look at that event. There is a free media to bring out the clandestine practices of the highest institution of the country, which we can’t imagine without democracy.

The strength democracy lies in its system. It’s robust, self-critical, pluralistic, resilient and free in thoughts. The weakness of democracy is, it allows the people to use the freedom without responsibility.

I am proud of being an Indian. To understand India better come out of India.

Why the mood swings?

Why the mood swings?
I am clearly noticing myself. My mood changes every week. If I am high on this week, I will be low the next week, vice versa. Everything remains the same, every week my mood swings between high and low.

When ever I am high, I love to read, I love to speak, I love to write, I love to watch movies, I love to go for walk and I love to work in the office, I feel good about everyone, I feel ambitious, I feel strong, I feel busy on my schedule.

Suddenly all of the above disappears from my mind. Everything appears uninteresting in life. Suddenly I start thinking about what I am missing. Laziness creeps into life. Thoughts become wild, obsessive. Getting angry with someone I am afford to. Start worrying about future.

When I am in present, my thoughts are either in the past or in the future. When I am sitting at the home, my thoughts are in office, when I am in Saudi Arabia, my thoughts are in India… Always, my thoughts are somewhere else not with the “self”. I remember a story.

One person went to a “Rishi” and asked him, “I am also taking bath, you are also taking bath, I am also eating, you are also eating, I am also sleeping, and you are also sleeping. What’s the difference between you and me?” The “Rishi” replied that when I am taking bath, I think about bath, when I eat, I think about food, when I sleep, I am deep in my sleep. “Meditation at work!” That’s the difference. Simple answer!! But I could realize how much difference it makes to life.
Physically, when we are able to be at only one place, mentally we are omnipresent. The biggest riddle in human life! Human nature!! If, I solve this riddle one day, then I will become the rishi.
But at present, I could appreciate the greatness of nature. It shows me both up and down swings. Without one, I may not understand another. But if I don’t have downswing, there is no upswing for me, vice versa. I am in down swing. Next it’s going to be upswing for me. I am happy, I am natural.

How to face a Pakistani colleaque, when India is loosing the match against Pakistan?

“India Vs Pakistan”- When we say this, a kind of excitement, expectation, emotions catches up. Both the teams are considered to be arch rivals in the cricket world. Tension builds up automatically, when both the teams are equivalently positioned for winning. It’s not considered simply a sport, but something beyond that.

In my office, I have Pakistani colleagues. I won’t say we are very close to each other. But at least we do maintain a professional relationship.

Definitely both of us have the same fervor for our national team. Nothing wrong! But when we are too much emotional on the result it makes the environment depressing. We try not to show it off. But it’s reflected in the moods. It’s definitely a tricky situation.

Today it happened. I is sitting in the office. My Pakistani colleaque is just two seats away. Both of us are looking at the NDTV score card. India Lost.

Given the choice, When India is lost, I wish to express the anger against the players/teams/incidents openly. But it could not be done. Because, there is a person in front of me, exactly with opposite feelings…I know my criticism, comments are not going to be genuine. It’ll be just venting out the feelings.

With the thought of avoiding him, I started going out for a round. Unfortunately there is another Pakistani colleague is coming. Oh! God! Why today all the Pakistani’s are coming in my way? Shit! He smiles. He is saying “Hi… “in high sprits. I know he has the reason. Sticking to the professional code of conduct, I have to say a “Hi...” with a smiling face. But at the same time, frustration increases inside. Come on ! Words are not coming out. Hmmmmm...... after taking a deep breath, my “Hi…” comes out from a heavy heart on a smiling face.

I couldn’t imagine how the situation would have been during the war times….

Circle of Life: A Philosophy

Life is an exam, in which every one of us is appearing. In this exam of life, the syllabus is undefined, questions are unknown and answers are abstract. With an unknown syllabus, to an unasked question, with an unsolvable answer we are writing that exam and exit without result. No one succeeds, No one fails. But everyone competes;

When there is no success or failure, why we are competing in life? Why we never get satisfied with what we have. What leads to misery in life?

According to my understanding, we complete a circle,” Circle of life” in our life. Circle has no beginning and end to it. In other words, we can say circle ends at the start point. Similarly, life ends at the beginning point.

This circle of life is drawn over a medium known as time. Like the circle, time also has no beginning and no end, it’s eternal. But when we measure something with time, we make it finite. Conversion of infinite to finite! Absolute to Relative!! The root of competition!!

This circle of life can be run only once. However we run, how big the circle may be, the circle ends in the beginning. We say that we are running to win. But we are running towards nothing, which is the beginning. When there is no absolute goal or destination in life, winning has no meaning. When winning has no meaning in the circle of life, we created meaning for winning in the walk of life. We started competing in an unannounced competition, with an invisible competitor without a frame of rules. It’s similar to that how we could not view the full circle, when we walk over the circle; we can’t realize that the rules of circle of life also.

Adding to that, the circle of life has unalterable past and uncertain future. Once we have crossed a point, we could not come back. It’s a one-way. Also, always future is uncertain in this circle of life. Like how the direction keeps on changing in the circle, the future keeps on changing in the life.

Then, whoever, runs in the circle, wants to make it big? We measure the circumference and the area of the circle and cry loudly that “mine is big”. But we forgot that the ultimate destination is the same for everyone.

Also, this circle of life is written differently by different people. Even though style is different, everyone makes it to a circle. Forgetting the circle, we started naming the styles. We call them by Nation, We call them by religion, and we call them by race. It is like fighting over the hand writing rather than the meaning.

The conversion of absolute to relative doesn’t end with time. It has been extended to all the absolutes like behaviour, appearance, growth, size etc. We started saying good and bad, right and wrong, high and low, Pleasure and pain, happiness and sorrow etc. We started conditioning of mind towards one side and started saying this is only right. We adjusted the line according to our convenience and started saying that our life-style, our beliefs, our religion, our identities are greater than others.

Thus, the creation of absolute to relative, failure to draw the bigger picture of life, uncertainty over future leads to miseries of life like competition, fight over others. We can’t escape it. So, let us compete. Life is a misery. Let us live in misery.

--- The above is not an excerpt. But some idea has been drawn from my reading from J.K and SudhaMurthy's.